


Dearest Diary.

by CasualWinchester



Series: Dearest Diary [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Closeted Alec Lightwood, Diary/Journal, F/M, Imaginary Friends, Light Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 16:08:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9449561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasualWinchester/pseuds/CasualWinchester
Summary: Alexander Lightwood was a lonely child. His only escape was a diary he created in the image of the man he wanted to be. As he grows, he becomes this imaginary him, leaving Alexander behind and instead becoming Alec, the perfect Clave soldier. As he get's older, Alec comes to find that it's not all it's cracked up to be.





	

 

  
Alexander aged Seven. He first felt what it was like to be lonely.

Before this point, he had a purpose, and that purpose was to train and look after his little sister Isabelle. But now Isabelle had reached the age where she started her rune training. She was taken on by another mentor, who also taught someone else of Isabelle's age, her name was Gabriella. They were close friends and it meant that Isabelle no longer wanted to hang out with her older brother, and didn't want him joining in with their games.

So Alexander decided that he would take to the library. He always loved to read but he never had the time to do so because he had to look after Izzy. It was hard to read around such a small child. Plus he wasn't allowed to read the big books around her in case she ruined them, so now that she was gone, he was able to go to the deep parts of the library and take our books that he really wanted to read, and that were okay with Hodge. He always had to check them with Hodge first.

He would sit in the library for hours, usually before and after training. He would read right up until it was time for dinner then until it was time for bed.

It was nice to read all of these stories about people having these amazing adventures, but Alexander also found himself becoming jealous of them. They always had so many people who were with them, and that were friendly and liked to help the main character. Alexander was jealous because he had no one like that.

All he had was his parents and they were never around. When they were around, all the did was shout at Alexander for not being good enough. They would yell at him for Isabelle and her friend for getting into trouble, it was his fault that his little sister didn't follow the rules. He also got the blame when Isabelle started to find Downworlders interesting.

It wasn't his fault that Isabelle had met a visiting seelie, he was in training! He couldn't stop it from happening. It was all she spoke about though, when his parents came to visit, she wouldn't shut up about the forest green vines spiralling up and down his arms and the tattoo of a butterfly on his neck. She would ask our parents why we didn't have runes that looked like that.

Mother was so angry at her for speaking about the seelie man, but Isabelle wasn't the one to get into trouble. Dad took Isabelle aside and had a talk with her but Mother dealt with me. She took me to my room and lectured me about how I wouldn't be a good leader if I allowed people like Isabelle to go around loving the Downworlders.

I didn't personally understand why we weren't supposed to like Downworlders. Although if Mother said they were bad, then they must be...right?

The day after this happened, Mother and Father went back to Alicante. Mother warned me to get Isabelle to changer her mind about people like the Downworlders.

Once they left, I went to visit Isabelle where she was working on her runes. I asked her tutor if I was able to speak to my sister on the order of my parents. I know it could've waited until she was done with her work for the day.

I wanted to get this over with. I knew that Isabelle wasn't going to be happy with me and that was the last thing I wanted. She was the only other person around here that would talk to me properly. All the adults would just tell me to go away and do something else, they were all too busy to speak to a kid. Isabelle's friend Gabriella didn't seem to like me for some reason. She said that I looked at people weird, especially her tutor and she found it weird.

I don't know what she meant though. I only looked at her tutor because I liked pretty things and he was pretty. I don't know what was wrong with that, and I was too afraid to ask anyone. Maybe if Gabriella found it weird, so would it be weird to other people.

My conversation with Isabelle went as well as expected. She was really angry for a six year old. She was angry that I allowed our parents to drill into me that it was wrong to be a certain person just because of how you were born. She was so smart for someone so young but then again she was always better than me at everything, so I don't know why I didn't see that she was going to be a better person.

After a heated argument with her finial statement being that she "hated one sided jerks" like me. It hurt to hear her say it but I know she was right. I couldn't do anything about it though because it's the orders I was given by our parents.

Isabelle would forgive me but she would remember this, most likely forever. I wanted to make it up to her, to let her know that I don't actually feel this way, but everything was so confusing and I had no idea what do with my feelings. I didn't know who I could talk to about them.

I had no friends. I was the only boy of my age that lived here at the institute and no one ever came to visit us. I wish someone would, maybe then I would have friends like the ones I read about in my books. They are all so amazing and they don't care about how the other one thinks or acts, and they are so protective. That's all I want.

But I'm a Shadowhunter and I'm not allowed that. The only thing I can have is the people in my books, I can keep how I feel about them as a secret, but no one can ever know.

 

Alexander aged Ten. The sense of being alone only got worse, but Alexander had found a way to control it.

It is his biggest secret, no one could ever find out because he would be in so much trouble, also it would give people a reason to make fun of him.

Alexander had an imaginary friend.

It wasn't so much a different person. It was Alexander, but the person he wanted to be.

His name was Alec, a little different to his own name, but just enough to know it's still him. It is the person Alexander want's to be. Strong, brave, fast, and the best at what he does. He is the perfect soldier for the clave and the son that his parent could be proud of. Alexander loved this version of himself and loved that Alec could be the person he confided in.

Alec was an excuse for Alexander to have someone to talk to. He had a diary hidden under his mattress, it was filled with all the conversations Alexander wished he could tell someone. They were all addressed to Alec, because Alec wouldn't judge him. He would listen and give advice on what Alexander should do.

Alec made him a better Shadowhunter. He trained harder and he became less emotional about everything. He even stopped having arguments with Isabelle over Downworlders.

Alec was amazing and if he were real, Alexander would worship the ground he walked on.

There is one thing that Alexander loved the most about Alec, was that he liked girls.

He liked girls like boys were supposed to. Alexander however, didn't look at girls. It was scary and he didn't want anyone to ever find out.

He had read things in all of his books on what happens to boys who look at boys more than they look at girls, and Alexander didn't want that. He told this to Alec, and thankfully Alec had the solution. Just like always.

He said the best thing Alexander should do is just ignore it. ignore it for as long as possible and it should go away. It's not like Alexander did it on purpose. He just liked how nice men could look, especially when they were in the training room. It was obvious that he should do as Alec says.

So he does. He ignores any man who he should find attractive, and soon enough it becomes easier to do it. If he stops going to watch Isabelle as she trains, he won't see as many of the boys he found pretty. When he was in there he was too busy concentrating on the new bow and arrow he was allowed to train with, that he didn't even notice anyone.

Alexander would always be so excited to tell all of his progress to Alec, and he knew that if Alec were real, he would be so proud of Alexander. That made it all worth it, he could make other people proud if he just stopped being himself!

That was easy to do! He just did it, he changed his mind about boys, like what Alec had said he would.

Maybe now that he is going to change, he can finally make his parents proud. He could also be happier with Isabelle. He would stop being so un focused all the time. He would stop being so soft, because that was one of his biggest problems.

God, Alec would be so proud of him.

 

Alexander aged 12. It had been five years since Alexander had Alec in his life, and it was making him a much better person.

Sure he still sucked at a lot of things but Alec was always there to help him. His biggest issue now was trying to get over the obstacle of learning how to shoot a bulls eye in archery. He was falling behind when it came to his training, and he knew it's because his confidence was a real big issue.

Alec had been trying to help, but for some reason it just didn't go too well. It worked slightly but Alexander couldn't help but think it's because Alec wasn't there with him. He always had to wait hours before getting to speak to him again. Every night at 10pm, this was Alexander's favourite time, because it was his time with Alec.

What Alexander didn't count on, was all of that changing.

All it took was a misplaced arrow to send Alexander's life.

"Wow,"

Alexander looked up in fright at the taller boy standing in the doorway. If Alexander's shot had been just that little bit worse, the boy. The only boy Alexander had seen that was his age, would have been dead.

Alexander takes a step forward, his hands outstretched slightly and his eyes wide. He stops though when the other boy looks up at him, hands out in front of him to show him he meant no harm.

"Same side," the boy said. Alexander knew who he was, this was Jace Wayland. A boy who had just lost his father in a fire. His parents told Alexander that Jace would be coming to live with them from now on.

There was something about Jace that Alexander could see straight away. It was in the way he held himself and the way he spoke, this boy wasn't afraid of anything. He was brave, and strong, and fast. He was Alec.

"M-my bad!" Alexander let's out a weak apology and moves a little closer. "Mom and Dad said you weren't coming till tomorrow." Alexander fiddled with the bow in his hand as he walked over to meet Jace where he stood.

One thing Alexander noticed straight away was the strangeness of Jace's eyes. They weren't strange in a bad way, they were cool. They were both blue but one of them was more half blue half brown, something Alexander had never seen before.

"Well," Jace brought Alexander back into the present, "Here I am." Jace smirks slightly at Alexander.

Alexander stares in wonder at the boy who he has known of for less than a minute, but is already sure that Jace is everything Alexander wanted to be.

"I'm Jace." Jace said to Alexander and before Alexander even had a chance to think about it, he was replying.

"Alec."

It was the first time Alexander had said this name in reference to himself but the arrival of Jace had already motivated him to not just listen to Alec's advice, but to actually be Alec.

He has a feeling that having Jace here is going to make being Alec a lot easier.

 

Alec aged eighteen. He was more like Alec than he was Alexander.

He was so close to becoming the most perfect soldier for the Clave.

He was finally strong, and fast, and he was working on being brave. He had his sister by his side, Isabelle was an amazing warrior and she was amazing with science. She was partnered with him on almost everything because they worked so well together. He also had his Parabatai, one of the biggest honours in the eyes of the Clave.

Alexander, Isabelle, and Jace.

They were a force to be reckoned with and it's all Alec ever wanted. All he ever wanted to be. He was Alec in almost every way.

One thing that was stopping him though was his inability to get over his thing for boys. The older Alec got, the worse it seemed, especially now Isabelle was sixteen and beginning to take an interest in guys too. She was always telling Alec and Jace about the dates she had been on, and Jace would always pipe up with the dates he had had. Jace and Isabelle were always asking each other for advice on what to do with a woman or a man.

Hearing Jace talking about the woman he had seen and what he has done with them, always made Alec jealous. He wanted to be the one Jace did all that with.

He was in love with his parabatai, even though it was frowned upon in so many different ways. It was bad enough that Alec was Ga- interested in the opposite gender... but to be in love with one's parabatai, was unheard of. It was forbidden, yet Alec had done it anyway.

Only one person knew of this and that was enough, it was bad enough that he told Isabelle in the first place, but he had just reached the point where he was so confused and tired that he just had to tell someone. This was when he was sixteen, Alec had figured out his feelings when he was ten-years-old. So to keep a secret that long, it was no wonder Alec snapped.

Sometimes Alec still felt like he was going to break down. He hated hiding that he didn't like women, he was tired of it. Yet he could never bring himself to do anything about it.

Talking to Isabelle about it only helped him much. The girl was so much more confident than him. She wasn't against openly disregarding the rules, Jace was also like this. They had both flaunted that they had had relations with Downworlders, but they were never reprimanded about it.

No, Alec was the one always taking the heat.

So Alec kept to my roots when everything got bad. He spoke to imaginary Alec again.

In those moments that Alec spoke to him, he was still Alec, but by now he no longer thought of this vision of a perfect soldier. Alec had changed from a perfect Clave soldier. He had changed from a Shadowhunter to a Downworlder. Specifically a warlock.

Alec didn't know what it was and why he chose for him to be a warlock. There was just something about that species that intrigued him. He had read so many stories about warlocks living until they are hundreds of years old, some even reached nearly one-thousand years old. He could never imagine living that long, He could never get his head around it. In the end he would always come to the conclusion that it was just luck. Sure they were Immortal but surely something could've happened to them in those one-thousand years. It was luck that they survived that long.

Yes, something about warlocks intrigued Alec. Out of all of the Downworlders out there, Warlocks were always Alec's favourite. He never told anyone about it though because he's not supposed to have a favourite type of Downworlder.

Though Alec supposed most Shadowhunter's did. Well Isabelle and Jace both favoured the fair folk. Isabelle had a specific man she would go back and see, Meliorn or something like that.

Alec would express his hate for this Meliorn to B (B was the new name for his warlock) whenever he would write in his diary. He would never say any of this to Isabelle's face because he wanted to make sure he kept up his good relationship with her. If he started disapproving her decisions, then she would just resent him.

But it was okay to tell all of these to B, because he was always there for Alec. There had been times were Alec was so lonely and so tired with trying to be someone else, he had been so tempted to just end it all, but he would speak to B, he was always his rock when Alec reached this point.

He couldn't tell anyone that Alec was feeling this way which is a good thing. If he told Isabelle then she would tell someone like Jace and the last thing he needs is his parabatai knowing this about him. Alec knew that it would only lead to Jace finding out about his feelings.

That just wouldn't do. Alec wasn't about to be weak enough to let Jace and Isabelle find out how messed up he is. But B will always understand him.

 

Alec aged twenty-two. No longer the perfect Clave soldier.

Life seemed to come into perfect focus when Alec set his eyes on Magnus Bane.

At first it was scary how he felt for the warlock as it was everything he wanted to avoid. Everything he ever wrote to Alec the perfect soldier and then B the fascinating Warlock, seemed to unravel in front of his eyes. Everything he had ever wanted to hide and everything he wanted to be, didn't matter any more.

Alec didn't know what that meant at first and that's what scared him. The night he had met Magnus Bane was the night that Alec had started the journey to accept who he was.

He was Alexander Gideon Lightwood, a twenty-two year old man. He was an elder brother to Isabelle Lightwood, Max Lightwood and Jace Wayland.

He wasn't the perfect brother he wanted to be for his sister, or the perfect son he wanted to be when he was Eight.

He wasn't the perfect soldier he wanted to be when he was Ten.

He wasn't the perfect soldier he wanted to be for Jace when he was Twelve.

He was no longer sad to have left Alexander behind when was Eighteen.

He was twenty-two and in love with his rock, his best friend, his Magnus. He was gay and that was okay because he was finally happy.

With Magnus around, Alexander no longer felt lonely, he no longer needed an escape.

He no longer needed his dearest diary.


End file.
